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I Was Trying To Drown Out The Elevator Music By Reving

Since today is my last day at my job, I thought it would be cool to ride in on a motorcycle. My office is on the 24th floor though, and I ended up passing out on the elevator.

An Open Letter to Super Mario From Yoshi

Dear Mario, I realize that you have a duty to save the princess and I'm here to help you along the way, but I feel I'm not getting enough appreciation. Unlike you, I don't shrink/lose abilities/die when I'm hit by one of those hideous creatures, I just get a little freaked out. You just need to jump back on my back to comfort me a little bit. Don't watch me jump into a hole. Why the hell would you let me run myself into a hole? Do you think I'm doing it intentionally? I'm not. I hate those holes. The only thing worse than you watching me jump into a hole, is when you're dumb enough to jump into the hole yourself, and then you just jump off my back to safety. Don't you feel bad when you see me falling to my death? Is the princess really worth letting me die for? I thought we were friends man. -Yoshi

My Knight + His Queen = Hot Interacial Beastiality Action

When I play chess I make all my pieces act out a soap opera. In my last game, my king was having a secret affair with one of my rooks and my queen was so overcome with grief that she killed herself. Then we killed all the blacks.

Is That a Sand Covered Banana In Your Pocket Or Are You Just... Ugh... Not Again

When you body surf, make sure you don't do it too close to the shore. You might get beached and end up with tons of sand in your bathing suit.

The Newborn Kitten And The Explosives Have Been Placed

I'd like to see Mythbusters attempt to bust the myth that cats have 9 lives.

Oasis - What's the Story Morning Glory Hole

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I'd Fight For the Relaxists

After we win the war on terror, I'd really like to get rid of some other emotions. I think the world would be a better place without any frustrationists or grumpists.

My Fault? Listen Lady, I'm Great On Stairs

I feel bad for my friend's husband because my friend is always falling down the stairs and getting black eyes.

My Subconscious is Retarded

Whenever my stomach rumbles I always think that it's my cell phone vibrating, so I check my pocket to make sure I didn't eat it.

I'll Only Call You a Cab If You Promise To Stop Crying

My dream girl is someone who doesn't decide to quit drinking after they wake up next to me.

In All Honesty, I Do Care.

I bought a car with a lot of head room because I'm a huge fan of waving my hands in the air like I just don't care. I bought a Volvo because I frequently hit other cars.

Is That a Banana In Your Pocket Or Are You Just... That's Gross Man.

The thing about spray-on jeans is that it seems like "Oh hey! Less laundry!", but you still gotta wash the paint off your legs and it takes god damn forever. The spray-on belt is pretty cool though.

Hey Jude, Watch Me Rock Some Ozzy!

I hate to bust such a well kept secret, but the only reason the Beatles were any good was because they had access to the unreleased version of Guitar Hero. Oh, and Ringo was a robot.

Wanna See My Porky Pig?

Doing impressions of cartoon characters is a bad way of hitting on a girl, unless the girl is younger than 12.

Pavlov Was Always Good With the Ladies

Over the course of the last couple of weeks I have been spitting out all of my saliva once I get off the bus after work. Now everytime I get off the bus I have an excess amount of saliva in my mouth. My pick up line whenever I'm on the bus now is "Do you have any conditioned responses? Wanna see mine?"

Life Is A Highway!!!!

Officer: Are you aware of how fast you were going? Mr. Viking: Yeah, but there are bumps in the road at an equal distance from each other and I was timing the beat of my music to occur at the exact same time that I hit each bump. It was pretty cool.. until you pulled me over.

Please Wake Up! Please! There Goes My Stop...

I don't like sitting in the window seat on a bus because what happens if the person beside me looks like they've fallen asleep? but really they've died? I can't just climb over them can I?

CSI: Hundred Acre Woods

"Sir...? could you kill me first? I never wanted to watch one of my friends die." -Winnie the Pooh

You Just Got Punked!

I enjoy holding the door open for someone who is at least 10 seconds away. They always feel really bad, and it's fun to make them feel even worse by saying "Whatever." when they thank you.

Sphekso-alto-optophobia

My biggest fear is to fall from a plane with millions of wasps chasing me and someone shooting elastics at my eyes.

Of Course It's Cold, It's Ice!

Through vigorous study, I have discovered that age is not a factor in whether or not a person will enjoy having ice put down their shirt unexpectedly.

On That Note: Let's Dance!

A good way of getting back at your friend who asked you to give a speech during his wedding is to announce that you have AIDS half way through.

Bat Cave Of Lies

I think the main reason that Bruce Wayne doesn't tell anyone that he's Batman is because people would think that he's a liar. "Oh, so you're incredibly rich, good looking, polite, punctual, and your main hobby is to fight crime? I want you to drive me home Bruce."

Don't You Dare Give Me Any Lip Finland

If I was the king of the world, the first thing I would do is blow up the moon. Then everyone would know that I mean business.

Chocolate Helps Reduce the Risk of Coronary Heart Disease

Whenever a homeless person asks me for spare change, I give them one of those chocolate loonies wrapped in tinfoil. This way I know that they won't be buying any drugs.

Who's Laughing Now?

Archery would be way more fun if the targets were moving, and if they were clowns.

Are Hippos Fast?

There should be triathlon racing that starts with horse racing, then the jockeys get off and get on their hippos and race them, and finally get off the hippos and get on the shoulders of another human, and finish the race like that.

Unless I'm at the Beach

Instead of stuffing my bulge, I just wear shoes that are a few sizes too big.

Apparently It's Only Funny The First Time

Whenever I'm driving with a friend, and this friend falls asleep, I like to quickly pull over and start yelling "GET OUT! GET OUT! THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US! WE NEED TO RUN!!".

You Won't Even Know We Left

I think the next big thing will be a reverse-microwave. Instead of bringing their pets to a kennel, people will be able to simply freeze them for a few weeks and then nuke em back up when they come home.

Where's My Medal and Why Are You Wearing Sunglasses Inside?

I hope the 7th Star Wars movie explores Chewbacca's slow descent into alcoholism and depression and Han Solo's abusive relationship with Leia.

I Will Kill the Tooth Fairy

When I have a kid, and that kid loses a tooth, I'm going to replace the tooth under the pillow with my car keys. When my kid wakes up in the morning and tells me that the tooth fairy gave them my keys I'm going to get super pissed. I'll do the same thing for the next tooth my kid loses, but for the third one, I'm going to stay up all night, in my kid's room, with a baseball bat.

Napping is Not A Crime

When a cop pulls you over, you should quickly climb into the back seat and pretend that you were sleeping.

Tallest President Ever

I bet when Abraham Lincoln was young, all his friends told him that he should be a basketball player. Good thing he didn't listen to them, instead he ended up freeing all the slaves. He probably did more for the game than anyone else in history and he never even played!

She Retains Her Nutrients

Telling a girl that she's the "opposite of bulimic" is actually not a compliment.

A Rude Message from God

My sunburn that resembles the Virgin Mary has finally peeled off. So far nobody on ebay has placed a bid.

Viking Golf - Extreme Edition

During rounds of golf with my boss, I invent my own rules just to show that I can think outside of the box.

First Dates

Whenever I want to make a first date even more awkward I just start talking about my grandson.

Snow Sharks

I think snowboarding would be a lot more exciting if there was such a thing as snow sharks.

Surprise Refreshment!

Whenever I sneeze, I like to keep my lips closed. This produces the motorboat effect and my saliva sprays out refreshing those around me.

Stretching Before Exercising

Even though it might kill the mood, you should stretch before having sex. Just make sure you do it before you take off your clothes.

Underwater Operation

Even though it seems like everything is going in slow motion when you're underwater, it's not. The board game Operation is just as difficult, and you get electrocuted whenever you mess up.

Tie Evolution

Ties were invented with the idea that humans would evolve to use them as third arms, much like how elephants have evolved to use their nose-ties.

My Grandma

Sometimes my Grandma tells me jokes that she thinks are really dirty. She always gets really uncomfortable when I pretend to not understand the joke and ask her to explain them in more detail.

New Trend

As a search query: "strapping your toddler to a wolf and then battling him against other toddlers for money" returns around 27,000 results. This obviously makes it a new trend and I think it's disgusting.

Girl on Girl Action

In a rare act of desperation, the female giraffe will sometimes get drunk and make out with another, just as desperate, female giraffe with the goal of getting a male's attention.

Funeral

You can't wear your favorite shirt to a funeral.