Wanna See My Porky Pig?

Doing impressions of cartoon characters is a bad way of hitting on a girl, unless the girl is younger than 12.

Pavlov Was Always Good With the Ladies

Over the course of the last couple of weeks I have been spitting out all of my saliva once I get off the bus after work. Now everytime I get off the bus I have an excess amount of saliva in my mouth. My pick up line whenever I'm on the bus now is "Do you have any conditioned responses? Wanna see mine?"

Life Is A Highway!!!!

Officer: Are you aware of how fast you were going? Mr. Viking: Yeah, but there are bumps in the road at an equal distance from each other and I was timing the beat of my music to occur at the exact same time that I hit each bump. It was pretty cool.. until you pulled me over.

Please Wake Up! Please! There Goes My Stop...

I don't like sitting in the window seat on a bus because what happens if the person beside me looks like they've fallen asleep? but really they've died? I can't just climb over them can I?

CSI: Hundred Acre Woods

"Sir...? could you kill me first? I never wanted to watch one of my friends die." -Winnie the Pooh

You Just Got Punked!

I enjoy holding the door open for someone who is at least 10 seconds away. They always feel really bad, and it's fun to make them feel even worse by saying "Whatever." when they thank you.

Sphekso-alto-optophobia

My biggest fear is to fall from a plane with millions of wasps chasing me and someone shooting elastics at my eyes.

Of Course It's Cold, It's Ice!

Through vigorous study, I have discovered that age is not a factor in whether or not a person will enjoy having ice put down their shirt unexpectedly.

On That Note: Let's Dance!

A good way of getting back at your friend who asked you to give a speech during his wedding is to announce that you have AIDS half way through.

Bat Cave Of Lies

I think the main reason that Bruce Wayne doesn't tell anyone that he's Batman is because people would think that he's a liar. "Oh, so you're incredibly rich, good looking, polite, punctual, and your main hobby is to fight crime? I want you to drive me home Bruce."

Don't You Dare Give Me Any Lip Finland

If I was the king of the world, the first thing I would do is blow up the moon. Then everyone would know that I mean business.

Chocolate Helps Reduce the Risk of Coronary Heart Disease

Whenever a homeless person asks me for spare change, I give them one of those chocolate loonies wrapped in tinfoil. This way I know that they won't be buying any drugs.

Who's Laughing Now?

Archery would be way more fun if the targets were moving, and if they were clowns.

Are Hippos Fast?

There should be triathlon racing that starts with horse racing, then the jockeys get off and get on their hippos and race them, and finally get off the hippos and get on the shoulders of another human, and finish the race like that.

Unless I'm at the Beach

Instead of stuffing my bulge, I just wear shoes that are a few sizes too big.

Apparently It's Only Funny The First Time

Whenever I'm driving with a friend, and this friend falls asleep, I like to quickly pull over and start yelling "GET OUT! GET OUT! THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US! WE NEED TO RUN!!".

You Won't Even Know We Left

I think the next big thing will be a reverse-microwave. Instead of bringing their pets to a kennel, people will be able to simply freeze them for a few weeks and then nuke em back up when they come home.

Where's My Medal and Why Are You Wearing Sunglasses Inside?

I hope the 7th Star Wars movie explores Chewbacca's slow descent into alcoholism and depression and Han Solo's abusive relationship with Leia.

I Will Kill the Tooth Fairy

When I have a kid, and that kid loses a tooth, I'm going to replace the tooth under the pillow with my car keys. When my kid wakes up in the morning and tells me that the tooth fairy gave them my keys I'm going to get super pissed. I'll do the same thing for the next tooth my kid loses, but for the third one, I'm going to stay up all night, in my kid's room, with a baseball bat.

Napping is Not A Crime

When a cop pulls you over, you should quickly climb into the back seat and pretend that you were sleeping.

Tallest President Ever

I bet when Abraham Lincoln was young, all his friends told him that he should be a basketball player. Good thing he didn't listen to them, instead he ended up freeing all the slaves. He probably did more for the game than anyone else in history and he never even played!

She Retains Her Nutrients

Telling a girl that she's the "opposite of bulimic" is actually not a compliment.

A Rude Message from God

My sunburn that resembles the Virgin Mary has finally peeled off. So far nobody on ebay has placed a bid.

Viking Golf - Extreme Edition

During rounds of golf with my boss, I invent my own rules just to show that I can think outside of the box.

First Dates

Whenever I want to make a first date even more awkward I just start talking about my grandson.